Constructive criticism and mixed messages
November 19, 2011 by Coach McCreary
Filed under Coaching
Giving criticism to someone can be a very delicate process. You never know how the person is going to respond to what you say. Some go to one extreme and completely dismiss or ignore the criticism altogether. Others go to the opposite extreme and take every speck of criticism deeply personal and may even lash out at the messenger. Most people are somewhere in the middle on that spectrum.
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| Not always the best method to address a problem. |
For a coach or teacher, the purpose of the criticism is to get the player or student to recognize that they are doing something wrong and therefore begin to correct their behavior, attitude, or anything else that needs adjusting. Because you don’t really know how the person is going to take the criticism, sometimes a little diplomacy can go a long way.
There is a strategy I use frequently in the classroom and also with players if there is a behavior I’d like to see corrected. It starts with giving the young person the benefit of the doubt in terms of their intensions. There are, in fact, times when a person is sending messages through body language that they do not intend to send. For example, a student may give every indication that they are lazy. The way they sit at their desk, their slumped shoulders, and their overall appearance may be screaming “I’ don’t care about this at all.”
To a teacher and especially a coach, the common instinct may be to lash out and reprimand the person immediately to change their behavior. However, calling out anyone, especially in front of their peers, can result in that interaction spiraling downhill pretty quickly. Even if the kid respects you enough to keep his mouth shut, his defense mechanisms will in many cases prevent him from hearing what you are saying. He is too busy thinking up a response to defend himself.
Knowing this, here is another method that tends to work well. Start by saying something like, “I don’t know if you mean to do this but you are sending some strong signals that you couldn’t care less about what we are trying to do here. Is that the message you really mean to send me?” After that, just pause and listen. In every single case, the student or player says “No.”
There are a few reasons why this works well.
- You are letting him save face especially if his peers can hear.
- You are clearly sending the message you don’t approve of the behavior you see.
- Some players really don’t know how their actions appear to others who are watching.
- You can keep your foot out of your mouth.
The last reason is one we all tend to learn the hard way. For example, a player may be showing signs of fatigue, laziness, or lack of focus which results in a tongue lashing from the coach. The player then says something like, “Sorry coach. My Dad was rushed to the hospital last night with a heart attack and I was up all night. I didn’t want to miss practice.” Of course, the coach then feels like a complete jerk for yelling at the kid.
Approaching the player as described above allows the player to explain himself. Sometimes what you hear will be legitimate. Other times the player truly might not know nor did he intend to give those signals. Either way, coaches do need to speak up to address and hopefully change the behavior. However, like many people have heard before, sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
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